Hello, Gentle Reader. Today we have an excerpt from my etiquette book, dealing with a few of the many varieties of relationship extant. It’s from the earliest-written portion of the book, and it defines such things as “The Standard Heteronormative Non-Committed Couple: The ‘Boyfriend and Girlfriend’ model,” the “Lavender Marriage,” and “The Beard.” It’s still in progress, and typing this portion out for you makes me want to severely revise the entire text, which is one reason I don’t often post excerpts. Still, this bit amuses me. Enjoy.
3: Small, Informal, Sex-based Relationships
There are many sorts of informal sexual relationships in today’s society. While they go by many names, they are categorized primarily by degree, both of sexual intensity and of interpersonal connection. To illustrate, we present what we consider to be the three main divisions, start with the least intense, and progressing to the most. *
*Due to the ongoing nature of these relationships, they are clearly separate from the One Night Stand.
3a. The Amuse-Bouche
The amuse-bouche, or “make-out buddy”, may be of any gender or orientation. Indeed, frequently the A-b will venture outside their usual boundaries in the sort of arrangement. Typically, this type of relationship only begins at parties, bars, or open-air festivals and similar atmospheres. It may or may not be an ongoing arrangement, but generally is. Intoxicants are customarily involved.
When introducing one’s amuse-bouche, it is quite usual to begin, “Amy, this is Stephen. We sometimes like to make out, at parties.” No further explanation is required. If Amy expresses shock, disdain, or the belief that something more is going on, you may laugh in her face.
With an amuse-bouche, do:
- Approach and inquire if they would like to make out for a while.
- Come up for air, and to circulate at the function you’re at, from time to time.
- Keep the arrangement restricted to, or near, parties/events/etc.
- Be blatant. Find a dark corner, or step outside, with your amuse-bouche.
- Assume that it is anything more than it is, or attempt to carry things further without having a non-intoxicated conversation.
3b: The Booty Call, or “Stuntcock”
In the event that your amuse-bouche levels up, it will evolve into a stuntcock, so to speak. Essentially, a booty call of either gender is someone with whom you regularly have sex, but to whom you have no social obligations. They may be of whatever gender pleases you.
With a booty call, do:
- Keep it out of the public eye.
- Ensure mutual satisfaction
- Try to arrange to meet in advance.
- Ask how their day was.
- Go to social functions as a unit.
3c: The Fuckbuddy
The stuntcock will frequently grow into a “fuckbuddy” situation over time, or a fuckbuddy situation may arise all on its own. Either way, the primary distinction between the two is social; the development of the “buddy” side is what separates the two statuses. While still primarily a sexual relationship, a warm friendship may also bloom. The “fuckbuddy “may be contrasted with its exact opposite, the “romantic friendship.”
With a fuckbuddy, do:
- Ask how their day was.
- Spend time together socially for non-sexual reasons
- See other people
- Become possessive, clingy, or assume that you are in a formal relationship.
- Introduce them to anyone else you’re currently having sex with, unless it’s a poly situation, or everyone’s up for multiple partners.
- Hold hands.