Clearly, Gentle Reader, I am far too pretty to be allowed. Just look at this, if you don’t believe me:
This is why I am very modest, and why I wear veils, scarves, and other concealing gear: I am just too damned gorgeous. But wait, Gentle Reader – I’m sure that you can be just as terrifyingly beautiful, if only you’d follow a few simple steps!
1. Never go into the sun unprotected. Ever. Put on sunscreen, then put on your veil (it should be down, to shade your face, if you’re going outside, or to a sunny window) and then grab your parasol. If you think that this is too extreme, then I hope you enjoy your skin cancer.
2. Smoke a cigarette while you think about all the people with their skin cancer. Sigh.
3. Have a bloody mary. Make sure that you use the last of the pickled asparagus, because you need the jar. Wash the jar, and then top off your bloody mary with extra vodka. Yum.
4. Make sure that the jar smells like neither asparagus nor pickles. Have another bloody mary.
5. Forget what you were doing for a while, because making a bloody mary takes like ten minutes. Have another bloody mary.
6. Remember what you were doing, and fill the asparagus jar about one-third full of lemon juice. Fill it the rest of the way with cold water. Finish off the garlic-stuffed olives, because they’re damned delicious.
7. Make a grocery list that your roommates won’t be able to read or understand on the back of the front door. Have another bloody mary. Consider switching to vodka cran because you’re getting full.
8. Put milk on your face. First, pour about a teacup full of milk; this is a week-long supply. Using a paper towel, cover your entire face in milk – just slop it on, liberally. Allow to dry. Do not speak or have emotions for the next fifteen minutes. Look at your bloody mary, and realize that if you sip it, it will crack the damned milk. Wish you could sigh.
9. Fifteen minutes later, wipe the milk off your face with a fresh paper towel dipped into the lemon water that’s in the asparagus jar. Be liberal with the lemon water, too. Be careful around sideburns or mustaches, etc. If you have any blemishes or sores, make sure that a. you didn’t put milk on it, because then we’re talking a huge skin infection and this is supposed to be a beauty guide, and b. that you put extra lemon water on it, which will burn like a fucking disease-spreading jerk in hell, because it’s a natural astringent.
10. Find your bloody mary. Wash the lemon water off your face with regular water. Add some of your lemon water to the bloody mary because you’re curious. Take a sip. Cringe. Discretely dab the bloody mary mixture off your chin where you spat it in surprise.
11. Abandon the bloody mary. Finish the bottle of vodka. Look like this, via magic: