Gentle Reader, it is a truth universally acknowledged that I am an enchantingly gorgeous creature. Today, I’ll be giving you some handy makeup tips for use on your candy-and-poor-decision-fueled rampage tomorrow night.
Step One: Sit down at your vanity.
Step 2: Swaddled in your favorite dressing-gown, try to decide whether it’s better to do your makeup first, and mess it up when you put on your costume, or put your costume on first, and get makeup all over it.
Step 3: Realize you forgot to shave earlier; contemplate your rapidly advancing age.
Step 4: Begin on your best eye. Change the filter settings on your camera so that your loyal readers can see what the hell you’re doing.
Step 5: Realize that you used the wrong color of silver and that you’re going to have to start all over because this one just blends into the black. Do-Over!
Step 6: Get it right this time. Begin on the other eye and fail to match the first eye, because getting them even is way too hard. Don’t realize it yet.
Step 7: Realize it.
Step 8: Just finish the first eye already, and worry about the second one later. That’ll work, right?
Step 9: BAM! Instantly finish the second eye, and pretend on your blog that it didn’t take an hour to get them to match.
Step 10: Time for lips – and obligatory duck face!
Step 11: Right, so you’ve got your lipstick on, and a thing of glitter. There is no way this will end badly.
Step 12: Dab it on with a q-tip until all the red is hidden by your glitter. Realize that you meant to put glitter on your eyebrows as well. Put lipstick on your eyebrows, dubiously.
Step Whatever: Glitter those beauties up. Get glitter in your eyes. Leave it, because otherwise your makeup will smear. Try not to cry or rub your eyes. Seriously. Pretend that everything is fine.
Step Something: Briefly contemplate this idea that you saw on Pinterest, involving feathers and eyelash glue, and realize that there is no possible way that you’ll get it to look like it did in the picture. Abandon hope.
Step The Last: Give up on taking photos for every step because your camera battery is almost dead. Restore filters, and finish the look off-screen with no help whatsoever from anyone. Be gorgeous.
Have a safe and happy Halloween, my loves! Make terrible decisions, and debauch yourself to the fullest! Cheers!